


Holding On to Hurt

by secretsshared



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 09:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretsshared/pseuds/secretsshared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint's thoughts during a funeral for the fallen SHIELD agents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On to Hurt

_Natasha, how many agents?_

He remembers asking her this question before this funeral service. He’s trying his hardest to drown out the voice in the background. They’re naming more agents who lost their life on the hellicarrier and battle in New York. Clint stopped listening to the voice by the time he reached the third agent he murdered himself. Natasha doesn’t know that he went through SHEILD’s files before the memorial service. He stopped looking at the list by the time he got to the third name. He remembered killing them. He remembered enjoying it.

Natasha and the rest of the Avengers stand to is right. She grips his hand, staring at the ground. Clint looks out into the distance at the clouds starting to roll in. What a cliché, he thinks. It doesn’t make it any better when rain drops start to fall. By the third one, he finally decides to listen to the names being listed.

Working out really does the trick, he decided a couple of days ago. He spends hours in the gym doing anything from punching the bag, a hundred pushups, or a good five mile run without water. He just wants to ache. Anything to make him feel like the agents that were already gone. He didn't want to feel again. He didn't want to hurt anymore. Natasha caught him one night. He was leaning on the punching bag and his muscles were on fire. She wrapped her arms around his torso and didn't say anything as he turned around and held onto her before they were both on the floor, wrapped in each other's arms. It was midnight by the time they were both in his room, tucked under the covers and their bodies pressed close together. When he wakes up the next morning, she's right there next to him. He sits on the edge of the bed and bows his head, wondering what it's like to pray. He soon realizes he doesn't want to. It's not like it's going to change anything. Natasha sits behind him on the bed and moves her hands up and down his bare arms and lightly kisses his shoulder. Clint gets turns around and gently pushes her down on the bed, helping them forget for awhile.

He knows Natasha is watching him out of the corner of her eye. He knows she's hurting as well. She grips his hand once, twice, then a third time. This helps him realize that she'll help him through this. He'll be there to help her out. By the time the last name is called, Clint is able to breathe again. Director Fury gets up to say a couple of words about each agent. This is when he drowns out the sounds around him. Only a couple more minutes before this should be down. He'll never forget any of the agents that died. He trained many of them, saw them graduate to major titles, or just crossed paths with them down a hallway. 

The last couple of words are said and people stand to their feet for a quick prayer. It's dead silent other than the sound of the soft patter of the rain. Clint closes his eyes but doesn't listen to the prayer. Instead he counts to three and wishes for this all to be a nightmare that he'll wake up from when he opens his eyes. When he finally does open them, he realizes that it is indeed a nightmare. One that will never go away. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! This might be my last fic for awhile considering school coming up! :( I will try to keep writing! I also have a baby/kid fic coming up. It might be a series, I don't know yet...! ;) I hope you like this one! I thought of it while watching the movie The Avengers for the millionth time! As usual, kudos and comments are great! Have a great couple last days of freedom!


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